Jack to Retire

It was announced today that Jack the Chimp, former star of the "MVP - Most Valuable Primate" series of films is to retire from ice hockey and from films altogether. Apparently the increasingly stressful world of ice hockey movies is taking its toll on Jack, and he is reacting to this by increasing violence in his on-screen appearances.

"Something had to be done," a representative of Jack's studio said in a recent press conference. "Jack isn't standing up well to the pressure, and he's showing it. During recent filming he tried to unscrew a defenceman's head after a challenge. That sort of thing might be all right for Marty McSorley, but we can't put up with it here. The actors' union is talking about legal action."

"Jack in his film star days with members of the MVP crew"

However, it looks like Hollywood's loss is the ISL's gain, as it has been announced by Jack's agent that he will be working in the Superleague next season - as a referee. He has already stamped his authority on the British ice hockey scene. In a recent exhibition match he calmed down a dissenting player by biting the end off his hockey stick, and his habit of carrying players to the penalty box has ensured that when fouls are awarded the offenders go quietly.

A spokesman for the League is quoted as saying "After much criticism of the standards of refereeing in the ISL, I hope people will now see that we are trying to address the situation by bringing in new officials. Jack's addition to the ranks of ISL referees will bring some dignity and add valuable and much-needed experience to our officials' roster. OK, it might cause a little friction with the other referees to have a new colleague with a better knowledge of the rules and superior intelligence among their numbers, but if it makes them raise their standards it can only be a good thing."

Page created 25th August 2002